Salvation

I woke up, startled, felt feverish. It was only three in the morning. The darkness was more potent than usual and I couldn’t see a thing. He was talking to me again. But I didn’t believe in the voices in my soul, because I knew they weren’t real.

Good God!, I screamed at those who didn’t exist. Why do you haunt me? Why can I not live on the basis of the rational truth? I felt the universe chuckle, as though this was a cosmic-wide joke. I knew what reality was saying to me, that I had no point, and that empty feeling didn’t exist, and that I was the happiest man in the world. It was a joke, and reality was laughing.

I didn’t lay back because there was no use in trying to sleep. I can never fall asleep again after waking up in the middle of the night. Sitting up, I pretended that my mind was not screaming in agony. I’ll shrug off self-denial as long as I can, and no one will ever know. Maybe I can even fool me.

What’s wrong?, He asked, knowing the answer. I decided to pray one last time, no one had to know that I prayed all the time. I’m sure they always prayed at night. Everyone prays when alone, just to give the idea a second shot, I justified.

God if you’re there, Oh my God, save me from me, save my life from being spent. I knew that He wasn’t there as he held my hand. I love you, said one shadow, figments of my imagination. What are you doing, I screamed, how dare you wrestle with my mind? Why have I gone mad, I cried, the tears had come again — I hate crying, because I know I’m not a weak person.

But my mind loved the frolic. It’s all just a game, I guess. The universe looked as though it were about to speak a profound truth, before uttering that which I knew was true as I lied to me. Then all spoke. You ask me who I am. Some men build houses. Some men paint pictures. I am the one who sets the captive free.

Then set me free oh my GOD! Don’t allow my burn in the hell of life, I am the one who asks to be set free, don’t pass me God, make me believe you, make me trust you, fulfill in me all that I cannot fulfill myself. Wretched chains, dirty rags, unbelieving soul — save me.

And our journey began.