Legislate Morality!

I have recently decided to join the “legislate morality” camp. I was listening to an audio recording by a pastor of a two-family Bible church, and it just hit me all of the sudden. I believe that we should punish immoral actions, because, well, that’s just why we have government. To punish sin.

Now, of course, I’m not tyrant. I sin a lot, and as a Christian, I believe everyone sins and deserves death. But I won’t let this get in my way, because I want to punish evil people. Nono, I mean people more evil than the typical evil person.

So how do we decide? Simple. If it’s a threat to the foundation of civilization, then we outlaw it. If it corrupts the general morality, well dang, that’s bright-line enough for me. And pretty much everyone out there who wants to legislate morality agrees with this standard. So let’s get at it.

Lust, Sexual Immorality and Adultery

Now, I think porn should be illegal, because, well, do you really want that stuff legal? By banning it, we will stop males (and females!) everywhere from thinking lustful thoughts. Because you can’t lust or commit adultery without porn. And lust will destroy the foundation of civilization. You want proof? Well, heck, I got proof. Every civilization that has ever fallen had people who lusted in it. So we have to use government to stop it. Or kiss civilization goodbye.

Now, on that note, I think mini-skirts should be illegal too. Because those things are just ASKING for sexual attention, and cause little boys to lust. Oh, and pretty eyes have to be altered with orange contacts. After we do this, there wouldn’t be any lust. Now, we have to ban some other clothes, and a bright-line is hard, because it isn’t in the Bible. So we have to make one up.

Don’t worry though. I have a solution. It’s pretty simple to know if something is worn only to attract sexual attention. It’s something you know if you see, which is why there’s so much agreement on the issue. So I’ll leave it to the experts. Insert Rebecca Modestee, a Mennonite homeschool mom from Georgia. She’ll be the one deciding what we ban.

And if anyone disagrees with her, you’re living and sin and probably aren’t making it to heaven. Tough. Life isn’t fair. Get over it.

Remember, the goal isn’t just to ban porn — it’s to ban lust, to save civilization. And we have to ban the things that cause that lust. Porn is just part of the picture. We have to keep going from porn to miniskirts to sleeveless and other things. And makeup. Because unfortunately, all some girls need to wear is makeup and bam, you have guys thinking lustful thoughts. Hot girls are only “hot” because they come from Hell.

Now that we have the lust issue out of the way, let’s talk about the other biggy.

Pride

Pride is scary, and is condemned all throughout the Bible. If a heart doesn’t turn to God because of pride, God roasts it for eternity. This means that it’s more than slightly important. Pride is also the root of all other sin.

So I think we should ban pride if we ban ANY sin. Because this is the root of them all. This is so obvious, I’m not even going to waste pixels by writing any more about it.

Plan

Now, you might be wondering how I want to enforce the ban of adultery (including porn, indecent clothes and other stuff) and pride. It’s simple. I’m going to do it the way Jesus did it. With a good, old-fashioned stoning.

He who has no sin will cast the first stone. But after that first one, boy oh boy, we’ll save civilization.

Note: The above is satire. I’m not a moron. I am, however, a Christian. For a more biblically based argument against legislating morality, read the original “Stop Legislating Morality” article published by Reason and Capitalism.